This'll Fix It.

On call now, protecting our application processes and precious databases from threats, muggings, stupidity, and the usual gang of Hotshots and Car Crazies. That's me, the lone voice of sanity. Damn, need to wait until Monday for the traditional post-on-call Martini.

In other news, I see the usual round of buyouts and headcutcounts has comically relieved itself when local buyouts of Myers Industries (Myers, Myers, Fercachte Tires), and Delphi collapsed. Does this mean anything? Bigger business minds than mine must decide.

But, getting back to on-call, how do I manage to keep the Fortress of SQL Excellence from being condemned while supporting massive databases? Here's my list of home maintenance tips:

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling waterdown your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. A bear trap works well also.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Every one seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. I can think of several dozen.